Three Conversations About Nothing

Today my cousin Bryan's GMail account was hacked. He/she attempted to scam $380 out of three people. These are the transcripts of each of these conversations ...

Joey's Conversation:

1:28 PM Bryan: hey

1:29 PM How are you doing?

me: ok

1:30 PM Bryan: not good at the monent

1:31 PM me: wat?

1:32 PM Bryan: I am stranded inlondon

14 minutes

1:47 PM me: how did that happen?

1:48 PM Bryan: I came visiting resort center but got mugg by the underworld-men and all cash credit card and phone were stolen

me: anyone with you?

1:49 PM Bryan: alone

1:50 PM me: report the police

1:51 PM they will help you

1:52 PM Bryan: they said will wait up to 3-5 days they matters are not helping at the moment

1:56 PM my flight leaves in 1hour and i am having problem sorting my hotel bills and getting cab to air port

1:57 PM me: where is your flight to?

1:58 PM Bryan: coming back home....

5 minutes

2:04 PM Bryan: how much can you spear me??

i need your help urgently

2:06 PM are you helping me??

2:10 PM .....

????

2:13 PM hello???

2:14 PM ....

2:16 PM me: sorry im at work right now stepped away from my computer

what can i do?

2:17 PM Bryan: i was wondering if you could loan me $680?

???

2:18 PM I need your help?

2:23 PM are you sending it???

15 minutes

2:38 PM me: i dont have that much money

i have $400

2:41 PM just tell me what you want me to do

Michael's Conversation:

1:31 PM Bryan: Hey

How are you doing?

me: u know how we do

1:32 PM Bryan: not good

1:33 PM me: i dance the dance of life

1:35 PM Bryan: i am stranded in london

1:36 PM me: foggy day in london town

1:37 PM Bryan: yeap

I came visiting resort center but got mugg by the underworld-men and all cash credit card and phone were stolen

1:39 PM me: at least you still have your mustache

1:40 PM Bryan: little bruise but thank God i am live and with my passport

1:42 PM I am facing a hard time here..

me: jebus saves

Bryan: my flight leaves in 1hour and i am having problem sorting my hotel bills and getting cab to air port

1:43 PM me: everybody knows you take the tube in london

Bryan: i was wondering if you could loan me $680?

1:47 PM are you there?

me: i am everywhere

Bryan: ?

i will pay you as soon as am back

1:49 PM me: when did u go to london?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT-F5QznjrA&feature=player_embedded

1:50 PM Bryan: I need your help

1:52 PM yes i am

I will pay you back

1:53 PM ???

.....

1:54 PM me: i have a friend in london. just tell me where you are and they will help u

1:57 PM Bryan: k

1:58 PM how much can you spear me?

1:59 PM me: where in london are u?

2:01 PM Bryan: 1-8 Kensington Gardens Square

2:02 PM ???

7 minutes

2:09 PM me: wait in the lobby. i have a friend that will meet you there. his name is thomas

2:12 PM Bryan: LET HIM HAVE MY NAME AND HAVE IT SENT ON IT

2:13 PM on western union money transfer

2:14 PM me: did u make a police report about the mugging?

2:15 PM go to scottland yard and they will point you towards the american embassy

2:17 PM Bryan: went to the police and embassy and was told to wait for 3-4 days
that isn't helping matters at all

2:19 PM me: wait, are you at the hotel or the embassy?

Bryan: hotel

2:20 PM still there...

me: should i have the money sent to 1-8 kensington in your name?

Bryan: yeap

2:21 PM me: call the airline and reschedule the flight. there's no way you make it to the airport in time

where is the flight to?

2:23 PM Bryan: coming back home....

2:24 PM please try and understand...

me: what is it that you need me to understand?

2:27 PM Bryan: i was wondering if you could loan me $680?

and have it sent on my name and location

this is all you need for now...

2:29 PM are you helping me??

2:31 PM me: im trying to help you

My Conversation:

Bryan: hey

1:29 PM How are you doing?

1:34 PM me: Im okay

how are you pal?

1:35 PM Bryan: I am not good at the moment

1:36 PM me: Whats up dude?

1:38 PM Bryan: I am stranded in london

me: ...

Can you explain this to me?

Slowly

1:40 PM Bryan: I came visiting resort center but got mugg by the underworld-men and all cash credit card and phone were stolen

1:41 PM I am facing a hard time here..

1:42 PM me: Jesus

1:43 PM Bryan: my flight leaves in 1hour and i am having problem sorting my hotel bills and getting cab to air port

me: How can I help?

1:44 PM Bryan: i was wondering if you could loan me $680?

me: Sure, how can I get that to you?

I'm on crutches right now so it will be hard to get to a Western Union

1:45 PM Bryan: ok

me: Were you out there visiting your Mom and Dad?

Bryan: you can have it done online as we speak now

yes

1:46 PM me: That's funny because your Mom and Dad live in the States.

Do me a favor and quit hacking my cousins account.

1:48 PM Serious, get the fuck out of there. This has to be the worst scam I have ever seen.

His actual phone still works. So I called it.

He picks up.

1:49 PM It's like you didn't even try.

Bryan: really

WTF

ran

I ran down to 9^th street. That’s where the sidewalk ended. Forked or split, have you, and I made a choice to go left. I had already gone right earlier that year. So I turned and kept going. Just went where my feet took me.

My breathing was relaxed, which was abnormal. I hadn’t put in a good run in over a month. My legs followed the cadence of my breath, stepping in line like a good body should.

When my feet found holes they leapt.

When I came to the tracks I crossed.

When I was stopped by a stranger I obliged.

“Excuse,” he said in an Eastern European accent. His blue jeans soiled and collared shirt untucked. He held an umbrella. It was tiny and pocket sized. His face was weathered and long and his hair cropped on the sides but graying and teased on the top without any type of governance.

But his eyes. His eyes were a wasteland, filled with anger, sadness and desolation.

He said, “The children. This country! The burden of …. The children.”

And I stared back at him. Stared into his eyes. Swimming in the long and rich crags on his face. Like the outlay of the moon.

“Do you! The burden? Taxing on the children? You get? To come here?”

Confused I raised my shoulders, shrugged and mouthed something that was probably just as incomprehensible.

Disgusted, he looked at me and began to turn away. He smacked his umbrella into his hand and mouthed, “No one understand.”

And I didn’t. Something so gravely important to this man was lost in translation. Something terrible and bothering making him so uncomfortable that he had to stop me.

I watched him walk away. Slowly tracing over the same steps that lead me to him.

I turned away and like before I ran.

The Worst Texts From June

Here are a collection of the worst text messages I have received or sent during the month of June ...

Gina: What time did we in home?

DaveFuture: I'm thinking 3-4? I'm almost at work. It's 10:45. I feel like Fred Savages career right now.

Gina: I got up at eight ... miserable.

DaveFuture: I pulled my ass last night. I am out of shape fo real.

Brent: So 2 black women get on the train w/ 3 kids. The kids all have little paddles that say pleasurechest on them. Ftw

DaveFuture: I'm taking a dump in a Toys R Us. Jealous?

Alex: I'm at the cubs game and theres an asian midget ... How short do you think his dick is?

DaveFuture: I'd wager that he's got a pube on his taint thrice the length of his shlock and balls. So in answer to your querry; 12 foot 8 inches.

Recommending Hey Jude

me: I've seen this one a long time ago
Mike: u havent seen anything yet
me: My god
Mike: i totally should have sent u some pics of my diarrhea
me: you should of
what was holding you back?
Mike: forgot
i still got some left. fo sho
watch ur back
me: you feeling better?
Mike: for the most part
I saw UP yesterday
very good
me: I wanted to go see that this weekend
no time
Mike: i recommend it
me: I recommend your mom
Mike: how dare you sir
me: how dare YOU
slaps Michael across the face
Mike: tear
i beg your pardon
me: Keep crying you filthy little bitch
Mom and Dad never wanted to have you
They wanted to have another one of ME.
Mike: lies! LIES!
you shut your mouth
me: If I am lying then why don't you take a look at the truth
pulls down pants
Take a good hard look at this.
waggles penis around
Notice anything?
That's right, it's an exact replica of yours.
Small and shoddily made.
Mike: you go too far
me: Do I?
Pees. A little.
Mike: takes machete and lops off DaveFuture's penis
me: HO!
HO! HO!
OH MY GOD MY PENIS!
crumples to floor in agony
Mike: don't act like you're not impressed
me: You fool. What have you done?
stretches across the floor and grabs penis
You will pay for this!
Mike: not so fast
kicks penis out the window
me: NO!
PENIS COME BACK!
What are you doing!
Mike: nothing can save you now
me: walks over to window
This is madness!
Mike: No....
THIS IS....penis?
kicks DaveFuture out window in slow motion
me: falls out window very slowly while shouting the word no and kicking arms and legs around violently
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
Mike: yes
in your face
me: DaveFuture falls onto the pavement below. He lands onto the now stiffened and severed penis which impales him through his heart
... I could have been someone.
coughs up blood
Mike: hmmmm
me: ... I could have been a contender.
Mike: wouldnt have thought the penis could penetrate that far
me: knock at the door
Mike: umm
opens door
yes?
me: Remember me?
Mike: what? no....it can't be
me: I'm the guy you just kicked out of the window.
And I'm here to collect the trash.
Mike: this--this is madness!
me: THIS. IS. BARTA!
kicks Michael 18 feet across the room and out of the window. In super slow motion. While Michael hurdles around the room, DaveFuture contemplates why he said Barta
Mike: Michael falls to ground, looks over and sees DaveFuture's penis
dude, why would you leave it here
me: Because it was the only way I could get my penis close to you.
He needs a friend.
Mike: uh
me: Go ahead. Take him. He's all yours.
whispers to his penis from 3 floors up
Good bye old friend. I'll miss you.
tears
raises arms and jumps out the window. Rainbow smoke expels from super shoes and DaveFuture flies away to fantasy land
Mike: oooook
stares at penis
please don't do that
me: penis begins to sing Hey Jude
Mike: stop
me: Mike's cell phone rings
Mike: answers phone
hello...?
me: Oh hey Mike, it's me, DaveFuture.
Mike: what
me: Do me a favor, make sure you give Penis enough food and water. Also he requires you to take him to his singing lessons twice a week.
He's really good at Hey Jude.
Ask him to sing it sometime. It's a treat!
Okay, I'll talk to you later. Buh-Byeeee!
Mike: hey
YOU SUCK
me: Good luck to you too! I can't really hear you too well as I am flying over the city right now.
Good BYYYEEE!
closes phone and ventures into the ether
Mike: see ya planet unicorn

WTF?

I'm not cut out for this

Servers typically have two power supplies. This is for redundancy. If one circuit in a data center fails then the server can pull juice from the other. This is not a hard concept to understand as it falls into the category of basic common sense.

Ten minutes ago I accidentally removed both of the power cables from a fully operational Unix server.

I am an idiot.